Sunday morning, for the first time in her almost-six years, Katie recited the Lord’s Prayer with the rest of our church congregation. She knew every line, including “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
I couldn’t help but note the irony a couple of hours later, when we started what has become an ongoing discussion on forgiveness.
At lunch, she confided that she’s having trouble being nice to a classmate. Some time ago, “Lois” ripped some papers that didn’t belong to her. They didn’t belong to Katie, either, but my daughter was deeply offended.
For all I know, Lois’ action was an accident. Or retribution for another act. Or carelessness. But to Katie, it is unforgivable.
“This is a problem,” she told me. “I am scared to forgive. Once it’s in my heart, I can’t let it go.”
We talked about it occasionally throughout the day. I cited Bible verses, told stories, facilitated role-playing, drew pictures. We talked about human nature and imperfections and the mistakes we all make.
Just before bedtime, Katie said that even though she should forgive Lois, she just couldn’t. I told her that I couldn’t force her to forgive but that she had to be nice to Lois. Then we prayed together for a change of heart.
The next day, she went to school and I called Dr. Patricia Davis, director of the Center for Religious Leadership at SMU’s Perkins School of Theology, for advice. Davis’ expertise includes human rights, women’s issues and forgiveness.
Here are excerpts.
Is the ability to forgive innate or taught?
I think the idea of forgiveness is surprising. It’s probably taught best from parent to child by example, where a child can see parents have a disagreement and are able to reconcile. To not only disagree openly but talk about it openly and reconcile and agree and live life together happily and lovingly. It’s such an important lesson for children.
Everybody has trouble with forgiveness. In a way it’s so unnatural. When we get into conflicts, we want to protect ourselves, then protection becomes defensiveness, then it becomes violence.
What is significant about forgiveness?
What people may misunderstand is that forgiveness is a feeling. It’s a feeling we have in our hearts. We can’t just will those away. You have a feeling in your heart for a reason, and it’s often to protect yourself.
The idea of forgiveness is to restore a community or a family or the playground. Even though I can’t make my heart feel a certain way, I’m going to act as if this person is an important person. I need to give this person dignity. The forgiveness becomes larger than my hard feelings. It’s about belonging to a community that needs to work properly.
It’s really impossible to make your heart feel different. Your heart will feel different in the right time.
What do you do if a child is reluctant to forgive?
You can’t force it.
This is a huge issue for girls. We’re told our anger is not acceptable. We should pretend we like someone and be nice even when we’re angry.
By adolescence, girls actually forget how they really feel.
An enemy for girls, especially, is being nice. Being nice is a way of putting a mask on yourself. You manage that anger, you never express it.
You put on the happy face, you make everybody feel a certain measure of comfort around you, which means you’re disappearing.
Being nice is not reflecting my true feelings about our relationship for fear of losing the relationship. Eventually you forget what you’re feeling.
She does not have to feel friendly until she’s ready to. But she should treat the other child with dignity and respect. She should not become a victimizer.
Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. Email her at tyradamm@gmail.com.
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