The danger in buying your dog a Christmas sweater? You might keep buying dog clothes. Margie now has a sort of hooded dress outfit.
How is it possible that I have a child old enough to be at the orthodontist?
KT: "I just said a very small prayer. I know God heard it because He has very good ears."
KT: "When you're an adult you get to decide if you're getting married. Daddy thought you would be the perfect wife."
Rain + night + Houston traffic = stress
Sweet Cooper is filled with worry. Topic tonight: Will the sun run out of gas and will the earth run out of fresh water during our lifetime?
KT: "Martin Lufer King wanted all people to be nice to each other & go to school together. He died because someone forgot about being nice."
KT: "God made friends for us, and that's good because we really need friends."
February
Katie's big question this morning: "Why are people alive and why is there earth?"
I'm eating a Steve favorite -- grouper sandwich -- just feet from the ocean that we both love(d). My heart is still broken and yet full.
Cooper takes Valentine's cards very seriously. He doesn't want to send anyone, particularly girls, the wrong message about his feelings.
Coop ate all his packed (and large) lunch today and then bought another entree in the cafeteria. "Because it's Fat Tuesday!"
Katie says that daddies should buy mommies jewelry. And mommies should buy daddies deodorant so they won't be smelly.
To prepare for tomorrow night's sock hop, Coop is walking around the house & snapping his fingers, like he's a member of the Jets or Sharks.
While shopping with Katie today, she had to touch every item with sequins or sparkles. "I just can't help it, Mommy. They are GORGEOUS."
Me: "Cooper, did you enjoy playing chess with Dylan?" Coop: "Well, yeah. I won."
March
On our walk this morning, Katie and I saw a MINI Cooper. She's constantly asking when someone is going to make a MINI Katie.
One of Coop's friends told him today that he's sorry his daddy died. Coop replied: "It's not your fault. It was that mean ol' brain tumor."
Dramatic cry from KT. I rush in. What's wrong? "I'm not very good at drawing horses," she wails.
KT: "You know, Daddy had a really good life."
Katie insists that question marks are actually called mystery marks.
KT: "People never run out of love. Love is everywhere in our bodies."
Found Steve's wish list for his final meal: steak, hummus, olives, Caesar salad, fresh fruit, garlic mashed potatoes, Perrier, Zita cookies.
KT: "Wherever God is, Daddy is there too. And God is always with me, so Daddy is always with me."
Steve stopped driving in December 2007 and has been gone since September, yet I still feel a glimmer of hope when I see a bright blue Civic.
I asked Coop what he bought for lunch today. His answer: "Fish sticks? No. Cow sticks. I mean steak fingers."
Coop worries that Club Penguin is going to push Webkinz out of business. "I hope people stick with the classics," he says, shaking his head.
April
KT: "Does God speak French? Because I'd like to say, 'Merci for making Jesus.' "
KT: "When I grow up I'm going to be famous for being an artist."
Cooper, puffing out his chest: "Don't I look heroic?"
Katie is giving her friend a tour of the house, explaining where Daddy used to sleep, sit, etc. "We'll never forget him," she says.
Cooper asks that we read haiku every morning "to help waken our senses."
Heartbreaking: Coop has been crying and walking around the house, touching photos of Steve. "I'm forgetting what he looked like."
Katie has drawn a picture of the letter K's birthday. The party theme is robots. The letters C and D were invited. They all have party hats.
Katie loves discovering similarities with her Daddy. Today she asked if he liked donuts and was thrilled when I told her yes.
KT: "I am full, totally full, until I eat again."
Tomorrow, my first birthday without Steve, will be easier because of the many souls on earth who surround me with love. Thank you.
I have the best brothers-in-law. Greg is at the house doing chores, and Jim is taking Coop camping for Cub Scouts this weekend.
KT: "God never forgets what you say but He does forgive you."
KT: "God and Jesus have rainbow eyes with all the colors."
We were discussing motorcycles. KT: "I'll ride one when I'm an adult." Coop: "I'm not paying your hospital bills."
KT: "I wish I could marry George Washington. He sounds nice. Just listen: George. Washington."
May
Another of countless sweet reminders that Coop is like his Daddy: a shared love of New Yorker cartoons.
KT: "Every day is a celebration for God."
Katie is certain that Daddy's job in heaven is to create rainbows. He uses a computer. (He was creative AND good with technology.)
Coop: "Today is a gift, and yesterday is so history.
Sweet memory: Steve would cue my car CD player to play fave song "Passionate Kisses" (Lucinda version) as random surprise before my commute.
Katie has been reminiscing over our Legoland trip. Her only regret? We didn't come home with a baby.
KT: Is a block party what I think it is? Me: What's that? KT: Where people play with blocks?
I think of this every time I drive to church: It drove Steve crazy that a gas station in The Colony was called Artic instead of Arctic.
KT: "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. But sometimes you just can't hold it in and you do throw a fit."
My daughter doesn't lack self esteem or confidence. "I'm really smart, and I'm a good artist."
Coop: "In heaven there is no sickness, no rainy days. Only sunshine."
KT: "When Daddy was alive and not sick, he worked and did lots of nice things for you, Mommy." (She's so very correct.)
Coop had a really great day. As I tucked him in, I told him how proud Daddy is of him. "Yeah, he's bragging about me in heaven," he said.
Katie, staring at a photo of me and Steve, circa 2000: "That makes me happy."
June
KT: "I told Daddy I love him so very much. I know he heard me."
One more day to be mom of a third-grade son. Progress and growth are bittersweet.
KT: "I am in God's hands AND He is in my heart."
Found this from Feb 2009. Makes me smile. "Steve says he's giving up at least two things for Lent: cancer and kidney stones."
When I work late at night at the kitchen table, I remember Steve staying up with me to keep me company. And I strongly sense his presence.
KT: "I think Daddy is resting right now so he can have a really good day. He might watch a movie later. God has all the movies."
Me: "Being your mom is the best job in the world." KT: "No it's not. The best job is doing nice things for God and Jesus."
July
Nine years ago I'd just officially met our son. Now he's almost 5 feet tall and playing in the rain.
Katie chose Dr. Seuss for bedtime stories. I'm selfishly glad that Uncle Jim is here to read. I'm too tired for tongue twisters.
Everyone in the dentist's office knows Katie's life story -- birthday, past vacations, past and future schools.
I'm baking cupcakes and laughing at how many rubber spatulas I have -- all gifts from Steve the Christmas I asked for just one.
I've switched us to skim milk from 1% without telling the kids. KT today: "This tastes like milk and water combined."
Coop is mopey, wishing Daddy were alive to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows aloud. I wish hugs could fix everything.
We're about to watch a pay-per-view movie. Coop: "Can we have some confession snacks?"
Amazing sitter Haley has been describing Europe to the kids. Today KT told me, "That falling tower of Giza sounds amazing."
Cooper: "Mommy, I'm glad you're my mom and not anyone else."
KT wants to buy a going-away gift for Grandma & Papa before their vacation, & she wants to use her gift card from her birthday. Sweet girl.
KT: "I'm a little too old for The Wonder Pets and Dora. I'm FIVE."
August
Coop is home from Camp Erin. His counselors told me that he helped other campers and cheerfully participated in everything. So proud of him.
KT: "Sometimes if you're really, really still and really, really quiet, you can hear Gid."
KT: "My heart is always sad and always happy. Because Daddy died and we're alive."
I'm editing yet another piece linking single-parent homes with broader societal problems and giving thanks for C & K's stable foundation.
KT: "I can't believe the days are going so fast."
Coop: "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the world. But what about when I get married & have kids? Who will be the best mom? My wife or you?"
Cousins performed "Star Wars: The Weird Wars." Yoda is Princess Leia's therapist. Droids find Lollipop Land against Dark Vader's wishes.
KT is composing a song: In the world of love, anything can happen. In the world of love, everything is pretty.
We befriended a 4-year-old at the neighborhood pool. She stared a lot at Cooper. "He's just so cute," she softly confided.
Coop: "Today it feels good to be alive."
KT: "Sometimes finders keepers is really true, like at Easter egg hunts. Or when adults want to make kids happy."
September
Cooper, upon learning that Steve & I were in Paris 2 years before he was born: "Well, I was probably in the final draft of creation then."
Just crossed into Ann Arbor. Instant tears for Steve. Happy I can share one of his favorite places with Coop and Katie.
KT: "Why are there silent Es? That just doesn't make any sense."
My late Gramma, upon hearing tornado sirens, would (1) put on a bra & (2) grab ice cream for hiding in tub, in case it was her last meal.
Coop: "My heart almost died when Daddy did. Now it's healing."
KT: "I like all the colors, as long as they're shiny and sparkly."
Me: "So, Katie, how are you liking kindergarten these days?" Katie, exasperated: "I love kindergarten. Why wouldn't I like it?"
KT: "Mommy, do you want to know about life? You're small, then bigger, then you stay the same or get bigger. Then you're alive in heaven."
Cooper, upon noticing for the first time, apparently, that I know many moms at his school: "It's like you have a secret life."
October
KT: "I love the cool breeze of fall." Me, too.
Classic rock playing. KT says it's disco music. Steve is surely shaking his head, imploring me from heaven to provide better music ed.
When tucking Cooper in, I told him, "Daddy's proud of you, and I'm proud of you." He answered, "I'm proud of you, too."
Not really sure how heaven works, but if Steve can go wherever he wants, he's at the Ballpark in Arlington this afternoon.
Trying to finish an assignment before dinner. Katie walked by, patted me on the shoulder & said, "You're doing pretty good work, Mommy."
Coop: "Mommy, I've learned this lesson the hard way. Always take shoes off before pants."
Katie brought home Guided Reading for the first time ever. She is over-the-top excited. "I get to read it EVERY DAY!"
Me at bedtime: "Who are the best kids in the world?" Coop: "Me and Katie and my future wife, if she's out there somewhere."
November
Just before bed, Coop asked, "What was Daddy like the day before he died?" Thankful he feels comfortable asking. Still takes my breath away.
KT: "It's good Margie (the dog) is dark at night to hide from predators like wolves, foxes & scratch cats." Her version of Frisco is scary.
Coop: "Momma, is it OK if you don't mention the Santa thing again? Because I'm going to try to forget for next year."
I have started reading Harry Potter to Katie, just as Steve did with Cooper. Like almost everything around here, it's bittersweet.
December
Coop: "I let beat me in chess today. Because she's a beginner. And I think she has a mean punch."
KT: "I am not a vegetarian, because if you are a vegetarian, you cannot eat sausage."
A friend of mine who barely knew Steve told me today that he makes her want to be a better person. He continues to take my breath away.
5-year-old Katie, watching Frosty the Snowman: "Shhh. I haven't watched this for years."
KT was playing outside (46 degrees) w/only socks on her feet. Comes inside, declares she needs shoes. Takes off socks to put on flip-flops.
Coop got braces today and chose blue & gold brads for Michigan & for his Daddy. "Daddy's laughing at me," Coop said with a metallic grin.
Thankful that Steve & I accumulated meaningful ornaments throughout our (much too short) marriage. Our Christmas tree tells many stories.
Coop has had eight piano lessons, and now he's playing all kinds of Christmas songs -- lovely serenade as I edit.
KT: "I'm sassy, but not in that mean way. In a sweet way."
Coop: Katie, move along. Katie: I won't move along. I'll move a-song. And then she starts dancing & singing "Hallelujah" over & over.
No comments:
Post a Comment