Dr. Jane Nelsen, a marriage, family and child therapist, has been writing and talking about the concept of positive discipline for 35 years. (She’s also practiced it as the mom of seven children.)
She’s speaking today in Dallas as part of the Global Summit on Ending Corporal Punishment and Promoting Positive Discipline, sponsored by SMU.
Nelsen recommends that parents use discipline strategies that meet five criteria:
- Help children feel a sense of connection.
- Are mutually respectful and encouraging.
- Are effective in the long term.
- Teach important social and life skills.
- Invite children to discover how capable they are.
Nelsen and I spoke on the phone this week in advance of her appearance. Here are excerpts.
Why is it important to spend time on the topic of ending corporal punishment?
It’s sort of my life goal: creating peace in the world through peace in home and classrooms. You can’t do that with violence or abuse.
Why do you believe that spanking is ineffective in disciplining children?
It’s not necessarily ineffective. You have to look at your goal. It’s not effective to feel capable, to teach valuable social and life skills, to contribute. It’s not effective modeling. Why would these kids not hit if they themselves have been hit?
People will say, “I was spanked, but I turned out just fine.” Most of us turned out fine in spite of the spanking
Most of us have a lifetime of searching: Are we good enough? Most of the human condition is trying to overcome those feelings of doubt and shame that our well-meaning parents instilled in us.
Most of us were yelled at, lectured at, spanked. But spanking doesn’t help us reach the goals we want for children.
What’s the idea behind positive discipline?
There’s always a debate about being too firm or too kind. People believe that if kids aren’t punished, the only alternative is permissiveness. I think you can be kind and firm at the same time.
Punishment is not healthy for children.
What most parents and teachers don’t understand is that children are always making decisions about their world. When they’re punished, they are most likely making decisions: “I am bad,” or they become approval junkies.
Can you explain the role of respect in a parent-child relationship?
Everybody knows that example is the best teacher. Being respectful to children is the best way to teach how to be respectful. Some people expect things of children that are not developmentally appropriate. A 2-year-old does not know how to be respectful.
We want to teach children: I am capable and I can contribute in meaningful ways.
The idea is connection before correction. We really believe that the primary goal of all people is to belong and feel significant. When a child is misbehaving, they’re saying they need a hug.
Once we make a connection where they feel safe, we make corrections and start focusing on solutions, inviting them to use their thinking skills and problem-solving skills.
If a child hits another child, ask: What happened? What caused that? What else could you do to solve this problem?
Most parents and teachers step in. They talk, talk, talk, tell, tell, tell instead of asking what happened.
As soon as someone tells you what to do in a way that makes you feel inadequate, your body tightens and sends a message to the brain to retreat.
Searching for an answer helps a child feel like they can contribute and learn valuable life skills.
If you haven’t been using the concepts of positive discipline in your home, how difficult is it to change?
Weaning is never easy for the wean-er or wean-ee. It requires change on both parts. Parents will fall into old patterns. Children are used to what they’re used to, even if they don’t like it.
It’s very simple, but it’s not easy to be kind and firm at the same time.
We expect children to control their behavior when we don’t control our own. Most parents get upset, start lecturing, putting down. The idea that you can motivate others by scolding and making them feel inadequate — is that encouraging or motivating?
How can time-out be used most effectively with children?
Most people use it in a punitive way. “You think about what you did and you suffer.” We don’t say “suffer,” but that’s what we mean.
They are in there thinking, “You are a bad person, and I’ll show you,” or worst of all, “I am a bad person.”
Positive time-out is understanding that children do better when they feel better, in a space with cushions, music, whatever, designed to help them feel better.
You’re teaching them a valuable life skill: When they are upset, they can do something to feel better.
Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. Email her at tyradamm@gmail.com.
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