Summer break beckons, with Memorial Day weekend marking the end of the school year for some families and a quick taste of freedom to come for others.
Along with summer comes a shift in parenting — with less emphasis on bedtimes, deadlines and grades — yet we parents aren't really on vacation. Parental vigilance doesn't go away. It simply shifts with the age and season.
Vigilance in the earliest years requires attention to an environment mostly in our control. We install latches on cabinet doors and gates at the base of stairs. We're in charge of the food our children eat and the media they're exposed to.
As our children go to preschool and then elementary school, our vigilance evolves. We're preparing our young people to make decisions on their own while trusting that the adults around them are protecting and guiding in our absence.
And then, quicker than you can imagine, those little ones are taller than you, driving and venturing out without any supervision. You pray that all those years of teaching made an impact.
Here, for example, is a recent conversation between my teenager and me:
Me: Did all of your friends make good choices while you were out?
Teen: Yes.
Me: Vaping?
Teen: No.
Me: Drinking?
Teen: No.
Me: Drugs?
Teen: No. It will always be no.
Me: I will always ask.
I ask because I love this young man with the intensity every parent knows. I ask because I want him to know that I'm paying attention and that his choices and his friends' choices matter. I ask because, though I trust my children, they are still children. They push boundaries and make mistakes.
Summer doesn't offer a break from social vigilance — when you have teens it actually increases — but there is a reprieve from the usual school-year management. I don't need to ask about homework or due dates. There are no morning or afternoon tutorials to attend. We don't need to check grades online or shop for supplies for a Rube Goldberg machine for physics.
With a rising senior at home, though, there are different kinds of tasks to manage: studying for one more ACT, writing drafts to answer essay prompts for the Common Application, researching scholarship opportunities.
And, of course, there are the parenting challenges that exist year-round: calendars, chores, curfews.
Summer calendars evolve as children age. Not long ago, I would piece together day camps, carpools and baby-sitting to accommodate my work schedule and the kids' freedom.
Summer now means volunteering at church camps, staying home (and going out) without me and getting out of town for Boy Scouts, church choir tour and mission trips. That extra freedom requires a special kind of parenting upon return. There's often the shock of re-entry, when the reality of family life clashes with the romanticized version of life on the road.
There's laundry to fold, trash to take out, floors to vacuum and sinks to scrub. It's not glamorous, but it's necessary. Because one day these children are going to leave and return only to visit. They'll be running their own households, making big decisions on their own, budgeting time and resources based on priorities, maintaining their own homes.
Maybe by then we parents can let our guard down a little, though I suspect that the instinct to protect our babies is a lifelong condition, lingering long after they're no longer babies.
Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. She can be reached at tyradamm@gmail.com.
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| Parenting is a lifelong condition. I'm thankful to have these two! |
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