My son, like the majority of college-bound students, earned his acceptance to a university the honest way. He reported his high school grades, ACT scores and extracurricular activities. He wrote essays. He asked his counselor and teachers to write letters on his behalf.
Cooper was not accepted into every college he applied to. He was disappointed but not devastated. He has chosen an excellent school that offered him a partial scholarship and that seems to be an ideal fit for his interests and talents.
This is how most students make the transition from high school to college, and this is why many of us are upset by news that the Justice Department has charged 50 people with bribery related to an outrageous college entrance scheme. Wealthy parents reportedly paid bribes to ensure that their children received acceptance letters from elite universities (and took spots that should have gone to other students).
The majority of us play by the rules and don't have the money (or the lapsed ethics) to buy favor. We've taught our children to dream big and work hard. We're outraged — or at least concerned — that rich folks are buying admission for their kids.
Yet before we middle-class, rule-abiding parents get too smug, let's consider some questionable choices that many of us make, albeit on a less visible, less obnoxious scale.
First, too many of us have bought into the false premise that elite brands are always better and that association with prestigious names guarantees success.
The categories change, depending on your stage of life, but the snobbery remains. Baby stroller, preschool, sneakers, luxury handbag, watch, SUV, college — we're willing to spend more than we can afford on the most prestigious names in an effort to impress ourselves and others.
Yet we know, deep down, that our identities aren't defined by what we wear or what we drive or even where we go to school. Who do we love? How do we spend our time? How do we help others? We often don't spend enough time helping our children — and ourselves — answer these questions.
Second, we parents have invested too much time and energy in engineering our children's lives.
It is appropriate, for example, to arrange playdates for your children when they are in preschool and unable to schedule their own get-togethers. It is inappropriate, though, to coach your daughter on who she should or should not invite to her own middle-school party.
It is appropriate to help your child gather supplies for a school project. It is inappropriate to design, cut, color, assemble, glue and glitter the project for your child.
What does it say to our children when we orchestrate their social lives and take over their schoolwork? I'm guessing it sounds something like, "I don't trust you enough to take care of this the way I would. You won't do it correctly. Step aside."
Third, we sometimes insist on gaining entry to programs that aren't necessarily designed for our children.
I have a friend who, years ago, applied to a prestigious preschool for her child. The child did not get in. The next year, on advice from families already in, the mom arranged for an expensive item to be donated to the preschool's annual silent auction. Lo and behold, that child was accepted on the second try.
In fact, the preschool wasn't a good fit. The child didn't meet expectations, and the parents and school mutually agreed to not re-enroll.
Some parents force their children to study for cognitive tests to gain entry into gifted and talented programs. The ability to memorize test answers doesn't indicate academic giftedness, though, and if a student is accepted to the program, there's no guarantee that she will perform well with a curriculum that wasn't designed for her.
When a student earns admission to college based on his own merits, he's got a greater chance of success. Those chances are even greater when he's not concerned about arbitrary labels and when he's confident in his own abilities.
Those college cheaters, when found guilty, deserve justice. Universities must investigate and regulate their policies that allowed cheating. And parents — all of us — need to consider the smaller ways that we cheat our own children of independence and confidence.
Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. She can be reached at tyradamm@gmail.com.
